home for the holidays

i NEVER thought the day would come when i felt like a stranger around the people i love with all of my heart, the people i call family.

i knew leaving for college would be hard on all of us but i never in my wildest dreams thought it would bring these feelings. i wish i could change it all but it's irreversible now.

my heart hurts. and i don't mean heart-attack hurt but it's heavy and i don't know how let it go this time but i do know this is why i can't sleep at night anymore. this is why i seem so unhappy these days.

i'm ready for people to stop yelling at me.

this world is full of people who are totally unpleasant to be around unless it's convenient for them.

i'm so tired of hoping things will get better.

i feel like someone's tied this bolder around my waist and told me to start running from my worries when in reality i'm not going anywhere.

Words that fit

great/horrible weekend.

here's what i think...

*if you're willing to chase me; i promise i'll run slow

*for everyone, there's a person, place, or time that brings you back and makes you feel alive

*aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know it, so it keeps flying anyway

tough week ahead, it's sunday night and i can't even wait for it to already be over. i might go home next weekend, there's a wedding, a sermon, and sleep that should occupy my time. i suppose we will just see if i make it that long.

Thursday...

so today is thursday. thursdays are usually my favorite day of the week and in my eyes there can never be a bad thursday because it's my favorite day, but the world has yet again proved me wrong. today was prolly the worse day i've had in a very long time and i even had on my new shoes. the one boy who i should be over still has the power to break me down with one look and chances are he doesn't know it. one look today sent me to tears and i'm not talking happy tears or anything. after the look today, i wanted to crawl under a rock and cry. but then i had this great idea, you see i graduate in a few months so as soon as i do, i'm packing my stuff and i'm going to get as far away as i can without looking back and i felt good when this idea crossed my mind. but you see i'm not leaving really, i'm running and what i don't know is am i running towards something i want or am i running away from something i'm scared to want? it's not really this town that i want to leave nor is it the people, i want to run away from my feelings because as hard as i try they won't go away. it's like they haunt me esp. when i'm in the same room as him. i just want to talk to him so badly and tell him how i feel but it seems that's not possible anymore. so i suppose i should face reality and live with what's happened. i should take a step of faith. but who knows anymore.

these lyrics seem to pin point my new theme...

Boston by Augustana:

In the light of the sun,

Is there anyone?

Oh it has begun.

Oh dear, you look so lost,

eyes are red

and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed.

You said,

You don't know me,

And you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said,

You don't know me,

And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

yeah.

Essential yet appealed,

Carry all your thoughts

Across an open field,

When flowers gaze at you,

They're not the only ones

Who cry when they see you

You said,

You don't know me,

And you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said,

You don't know me,

And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

She said I think I'll go to Boston.

I think I'll start  a new life.

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.

I'l get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly'em out to Spain.

I think I'll go to Boston.

I think that I'm just tired.

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the Sunset,

I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

a problem...

"Letting someone in sometimes means abandoning the walls you've spend your whole life building."

i found this quote today and thought it really applied to my life. for some odd and unknown reason i've been building up these walls towards other people and even in a way towards myself and i have no clue why. i think people will never know the true me and that's tough because i'm so afraid of being hurt, so the thought of actually letting someone know "me" scares the absolute crap out of me. there are a small select few that know the real emily and for the most part it's not bad...they haven't hurt me. so why am i so scared? i want to knock the walls dpwn but i can't and at the moment i won't. does anyone have an answer? i'm so tired of not being good enough for people. Why am i not good enough?